Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
