I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
