Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Are my feet made of real feet?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
