She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
