if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
