Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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