you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my sisters under your porch take her home
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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