I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I skipped work to stalk him.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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