I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
