After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
