There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
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Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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