im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
