if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This is the prime rib incident all over again
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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