I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
