just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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