Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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