Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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