he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
