dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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