True but thats because hes a fetus.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
