I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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