you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
