Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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