Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I fill condoms, not promises.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
