i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
did i walk over a car last night?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
