Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
