I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
