I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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