Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
