I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
