When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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