we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
