I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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