New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
