I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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