He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
