I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
