I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
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If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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