guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
