Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
