Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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