She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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