I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
