I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
