i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
