please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
