I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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