I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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