I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
