He asked to "fluff my boner.."
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
