i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
