Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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