yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
