paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm bleeding and have questions
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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