you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
