you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
