meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
