look no pants
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
