the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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