I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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