When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
