1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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