i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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