I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
