she was so not down for the gang bang
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
